


Running to Stand Still

by Dernhelm



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Gen, ME2, Mass Effect 2 spoilers, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-20
Updated: 2010-09-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 14:45:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dernhelm/pseuds/Dernhelm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After her rocky reunion with Kaidan on Horizon, Shepard literally tries to run away from her turbulent emotions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Running to Stand Still

_Well. That could’ve gone better._

Shepard slumped into her chair, disappointment weighing as heavily on her as battle-fatigue. Alone at last in her cabin aboard _Normandy 2_ , she let her head rest on her desk, pillowed by her crossed arms.

_I raced across the galaxy when I heard you needed me. Every Collector I slayed, I did it for you. Every pod I passed, I feared you were inside. When the ship blasted off, I despaired that you were aboard. And then you were there, right in front of me…_

_…and you turned your back on me._

Kaidan’s holo-image scowled at her from it frame, forcing Shepard to close her eyes against his accusing glare. Her heart already ached from its earlier ups and downs, yet it managed to give another feeble, misarable squeeze. Kaiden didn’t trust her. Didn’t want her. Not as long as she was working with Cerberus. Which might be for a very long time…

_Screw this moping._

Stripping down to her bodysuit, Shepard grabbed a spare towel and her water bottle and strode out of her suite. She was a person of action. If her feelings insisted on affecting her physically, then she would channel that energy into something productive.

The training room was fairly empty, only a couple of the _Normandy_ ’s crew taking advantage of the state-of-the-art fitness equipment. She nodded in greeting before selecting a treadmill close to the viewport, hoping the swirling stars would help distract her from her heartbreak.

Despite the day’s exertions, Shepard was practically vibrating when she stepped onto the machine. She felt remarkably light, jogging without her heavy armor, and she was on her second mile before the sweat began beading on her upper lip. Endorphins began to race through her, and as the machine started a challenging routine, Shepard’s thoughts began to hone down to the basics: breath moving through her lungs, muscles churning under skin, memories synthesized into raw emotion.

_I couldn’t save both you and Ash. So I picked you. After everything we’d said, everything we’d gone through…I couldn’t lose you. God forgive me, I chose with my heart. Not my mind._

_I carried you, Kaidan. When all seemed lost on Virmire, I picked you up and carried you out of danger. I had so much adrenaline I probably could’ve thrown you onto the_ Normandy _, but I held tight to you, up until the moment Dr. Chakwas and her team pried me away from you._

_I should’ve held on longer._

“Mile five, Commander,” The treadmill chirped.

Shepard took a swig from her water bottle before swiping at the sweat dribbling down her forehead. She jabbed at the machine, increasing the program’s speed. Her muscles responded to the machine’s change, legs pumping like pistons as she ran even harder.

_We only had a handful of nights where we hung up our uniforms and were free to just be **us**. Just that first, stolen night before Ilos, and the two weeks of shore leave we earned after the battle of the Citadel. But, god, what nights they were! You made me feel like no one else ever did, Kaidan. I didn’t have to be in command;  _I could just be myself.__

“Mile six, Commander.”

Shepard’s heart was hammering like a war drum, her entire body soaked with sweat. She was on fire, her muscles screaming for her to stop. It was just another challenge, though, another barrier for her to overcome. If she could break through the pain, she would be able to keep going for another three miles, maybe more…

“Commander.” A familiar, gentle voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She watched, mesmerized as a slim hand punched the abort on her treadmill’s program. “That’s enough for today.”

Shepard opened her mouth to argue, but Dr. Chakwas held up a hand in protest.

“I’m your physician, Commander. Though I fully endorse intensive cardiovascular training, I don’t think it’s wise for you to exert yourself after an exceptionally challenging combat.”

With trembling legs, Shepard stepped off the treadmill. To her surprise, her knees buckled, and had the doctor not been ready, Shepard would’ve found herself face-down on the floor.

“What did I tell you?” Dr. Chakwas shook her silver head, her tone firm. “Here. Sit down.” She helped the panting Shepard down onto a nearby bench, before fetching the water bottle. “I’ll bring you some electrolytes in a bit. Sip on this, first.”

Shepard did what she was told, embarrassed to have to be taken care of in front of her crew. She snuck a look around to see who might be watching, and was greatly relieved to see it was just her and the doctor left in the training room.

“How…how…did you…know?” Shepard gasped, taking a small sip from the bottle.

“I came in for my daily run, and you were hogging my favorite treadmill.” Dr. Chakwas’ voice was dry, though a hint of a smile played upon her lips. “Besides, Joker told me you saw Major Alenko, and I had a feeling you would be in need of a good workout afterwards.”

“We were that obvious, huh?” Shepard sighed, her breath slowly returning. "I thought we did a good job of hiding it."

“I'm your doctor. I make it my job to observe my patients.” Dr. Chakwas said. "Your mutual attraction was quite obvious to me." 

“The attraction didn’t seem so mutual this time.” Shepard sighed.

“If I may speak freely, Commander?” The doctor waited for Shepard’s nod before continuing. “Your death was hard on all of us, but none took it harder than Major Alenko. It broke his heart. So, it’s natural that he would have some mixed feelings about seeing you alive again, but I can assure you…deep down he’s very glad you’re back.”

“You think?” Shepard hated how vulnerably optimistic she sounded.

“I do.” Dr. Chakwas gifted Shepard with one of her rare smiles, and pushed herself up to her feet. “Tell you what. Stretch out, then head up to your suite and get yourself cleaned up. I’ll be up in twenty minutes with some electrolytes and a protein-rich dinner. It’ll put you to rights again.”

A grin tugged at the corner of Shepard’s mouth.

“Do I get a cupcake if I finish my vegetables?”

Dr. Chakwas carefully helped Shepard to her feet.

“Perhaps. I think after the day you’ve had, you deserve a little chocolate.”

It took Shepard longer than she expected to follow the doctor’s orders, but by the time she sat down at her desk again, she felt worlds better. Toweling off her hair, she checked her personal messages while waiting for Dr. Chakwas. To her surprise, a message with “About Horizon…” in the subject line was waiting for her. Her heart found the strength to give one last dive into her empty belly as she began to read:

> _Shepard,_  
>   
>  _I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_  
>   
>  _Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._  
>   
>  _But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._  
>   
>  _When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._  
>   
>  _\--Kaidan_

She read it over three times, carefully digesting each word. Despite his hesitation, his fear, Kaidan still cared for her. Deeply. He wasn’t ready for her to be part of his life again, but perhaps, in time…

Shepard sighed as she closed her messages. She’d craft a response later, when she wasn’t feeling so fragile. She leveled her gaze on Kaidan’s image on her desk. He didn’t seem so stern anymore, so accusatory. He just looked confused. Hurt. Maybe a little hopeful. 

“I won’t let you down, Kaidan.” Shepard said softly, “I won’t let _us_ down.”


End file.
